This evening I feel the need, as Margaret Forster puts it, to ‘keep the world away’. I am sick of the reality never living up to the expectation. I am fed up coming a bad third. I find increasingly that I enjoy my relatively new found solitary life with a son who is never at home and just my cat for company.
So I am going to do as she says and ‘live in the present, hold off memories and refuse to face any future’. I can live with my present, the past is gone and cannot be changed and the future is tenuous to say the least with a man who is torn between work, his son and me. I have been here before in one guise or other and nothing ever changes. It’s the same old same old and I find it alternately exhausting and disappointing. I try to be good and demand little but by the same token wonder why others demand so much and are indulged in those demands.
So I will do as my Father always suggested and live for the day that’s in it. Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed. And I will refuse to face any future, because at the end of the day who knows what it holds. What is the point of looking forward when you have no idea what you are looking at?