They say that the darkest hour is just before the dawn and I have always found that sometime around 4 in the morning is when I do the vast majority of my thinking / fretting about life, the universe and everything. It is also a very good time (assuming that you are not alone and the other person is awake) for hugs. For those of you who have followed this drivel for sometime, you will know that I am a great fan of the hug or cuddle and as I have said in the past, depending on who you are receiving them from, they mean different things from reassurance to love, from sympathy to friendship.
Now, whilst I was thinking about this, I meandered on down another path of thoughts and the question that I found myself asking was – do other people REALLY know us or is there always a little part of everybody that is held back, held in reserve if you like just for ourselves alone? I was specifically thinking about the ACL when this thought came to mind – she is, on the surface a good girl, very nice and somewhat reserved. The reality though, when you really get to know her, is a very different picture. She is a girl who has lived, experienced and been thoroughly bad at times, is killingly funny and very rude. And every time a new revelation comes to light or a naughty word comes out of her mouth I am shocked. Really shocked sometimes. And that led me on once again to wonder what people think of me and if I am really what I appear to be on the surface?
I know what some people think, because they have told me and it’s not necessarily all been good or in fact complimentary and I think that it would be thoroughly self-important to discuss myself here and you know how I hate that (see my former thoughts on self-importance). The only thing that I will say is that I know that I keep parts of myself just for me. There is nobody out there that knows the whole me, not children, family, husbands or friends. Before you think that this is me trying to be mysterious or make myself seem more interesting – it isn’t. Really. I think that it’s more a self-preservation thing, that there will always be a small piece that can’t be reached so therefore can’t be hurt. I do also think that in many ways others don’t always want to see the whole of us, rather the bits that they want to, because some of the other bits make them feel uncomfortable. There are parts of me that only some people see (the slightly deranged bit mostly) but that’s my choice and maybe that’s how it should be. Who knows?
Anyway, suffice to say that I was not alone in my awakened state, a cuddle was forthcoming and I drifted off to sleep again none the wiser but feeling somehow reassured.
P.S. A straw poll amongst the female members of the Wednesday night curry club revealed that they all keep a little bit back for themselves too and were in complete agreement with the 4 in the morning random thoughts. Not so barmy then!