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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

We had the now not so small folk on Saturday for bike rides, a spot of lunch and much chat. They give me so much pleasure. With all of the awful things going on in the world we need to hang on to what’s simple, good and happy. And family is one of those things. Make the most of it.

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With my little eye….

Something beginning with ‘S’ – show that is – a riotous nonsense called The Inaccurate Conception about a school nativity play – the irony being that all the parts of the children are played by adults. I shall be appearing as the Virgin Mary, natch! It is a most amusing of pieces for no better reason that it’s brilliant to see your fellow thesps and mates dressed up as sheep, wise men and angels making eejits of themselves….beginning tonight for 3 nights only should you be in the Bembridge area! Photos to follow…..

Something beginning with ‘F’ – fun that is – take two small children, a chilly November Saturday and a swing and you have all the ingredients.

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Something beginning with ‘P’ – party that is – for one of my lovely sister in-laws who has reached the grand age of 40 ( 40 seems a very distant memory from where I’m sitting). A grand evening of fun and family was had and sadly a camera that was playing up…but perhaps we could just call this one ‘arty’?

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And lastly, something beginning with ‘C’ – contemplation. There has been an incident which I shall not relate here that has made me reexamine friends and relationships. It has made me realise how things can be misconstrued and how one has to be so very careful with how one expresses oneself. A throwaway remark under the wrong eyes can mean far more than it did when written. So I have contemplated, reevaluated and culled accordingly.

This is a face also of contemplation

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Or alternatively ‘could you PLEASE STOP TAKING PHOTOS Nanny’.

I have a horrible snotty cold to take with me onstage later on and am looking forward to the weekend and particularly Sunday when all theatricals will be over until February and a lie in will very much be the order of the day! Are we nearly there yet??

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Well now Dear Reader, we may have had a hurricane, we may have had further torrential rain and high winds and we may have had ‘Amber alerts’ (which do make me giggle) but despite all of this, we had a rather lovely Saturday morning last weekend. And so it was that we found ourselves on the beach with two out of the three small folks.

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At their ages they don’t need much amusement beyond stone skimming and shell collecting and there was plenty of both

SONY DSC There was a small spot of rain but we were not deterred

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It’s a real treat to still have weather that’s reasonably good enough to get out with a coat and hat for a blustery walk. It blows the cobwebs away and it’s great to see so many folks out and about with dogs and kids just enjoying what we have on our doorstep.

We made some shadow pictures although TG does look alarmingly like the grim reaper..

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We’d all had enough after about an hour or so and as Madam had decided that cookery was the afternoon’s activity of choice, off homewards we went.

The cakes went ok despite much arguement discussion about the best way to crack and egg. Observe the concentration…

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The biscuits however didn’t quite go to plan and drew a withering look and a “well they ALWAYS work out fine at OUR house Nanny” from Madam…..

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It was one of those – look awful, tastes great moments but the Smallest Baby Boy was not deterred by such minutiae as the look of the thing and pronounced them most ‘licious Nanny

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Whatever the weather (well unless it really is slinging it down) it’s great to get out and about. It gets dark so early that there is no excuse necessary for lighting the fire and relaxing with a glass of wine in front of the Autumn telly schedule. It’s time for gravy and plenty of it, stews and pies and mash and root vegetables, custard and cakes with cinnamon and mixed spice. The festive season will soon be upon us and I am preparing for a marathon of children and friends. We cooked for 15 last Christmas Day – wonder if we can top that this year? This weekend I shall be making Creole Christmas cakes and the Christmas chutney is already maturing nicely along with its very best friend the runner bean variety. There are plenty of things to be getting on with if the weather doesn’t play ball but if it does then I feel a few more trips to the beach and walks coming on. Be rude not to!

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TG has been returned to us early which is marvellous. The six weeks that should have been six months hung very heavily for us both for various reasons and when I picked him up from the ferry I could see his relief at being home. We are getting to an  age I think when six months seems far too long not to be together. Maybe it’s because we have spent so much time together in the last year what with one thing and another or maybe it’s because after 16 years  we’ve finally got our act together! Who knows.

Elsewhere at Amber Towers there have been variously an extremely chicken poxy small boy who, despite the brazillions of spots, was in fine form hurtling around the house tripping over just about everything. We had an afternoon of telly and stories as it was slinging it down with rain and for the jet lagged TG that was also just what the doctor ordered. There has also been an amount of gardening (or mud wading as I prefer to think of it at the moment) and I have been cutting all the poor bedraggled roses and poppies and bringing them indoors to enjoy.

In a couple of weeks we will have the photo shoot for our Calendar Girls calendar (yes really!) which I am looking forward to and dreading in pretty much equal measure. It will be available to buy from September with all proceeds going to leukemia and lymphoma research. Sadly I have completely failed in my bid to be 8 stone and looking 25 and am currently (no pun intended) looking for the biggest buns available! The rehearsals are coming on apace as well, the set is up although not painted and we are gathering props and costumes. All of which means that we’ll actually have to do it…..yikes!

So there you go Dear Reader – a small update for those of you who are interested in such things. It’s just started to rain here again on the soggy Isle. Will it ever stop? Will we have a Summer this year? Is this it forever? Discuss.

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This is Madam Rainbow, Queen of the Cats.

She is (although extremely vocal) terribly ladylike. She doesn’t do rain, or snow – or anything really where her feet might get wet or cold. She is fastidious in her cleanliness and her white fur looks as though she’s had a quick Persil bath.

Imagine then, Dear Reader, my shock and horror when, on going down to the bottom of the garden for some wood, I was witness to her and another cat in…well let’s just call it ‘an encounter’. Now this encounter wouldn’t have been so bad if I had felt that the tomcat involved was worthy of her affections. But he was easily the mankiest, mangeiest ginger cat in the known universe. I felt very disappointed in her and in fact told her so later . She made this face…

Whilst I had my disapproving head on I got to thinking about the unsuitable relationships I have had myself (granted all of them many years ago) and I realised that they fell into a couple of very distinct categories.

Firstly the ‘just to piss my parents off category’ – from the man , who at 36 was just over twice my age and who I was convinced I was in love with (I think it was more carnal for him…) to the boyfriend who my Dad caught me creeping back up the stairs from at 6 in the morning fully dressed…There was also the one I used to meet at school lunchtimes for afternoons of bunking off and then of course there was the one who wrote erotic poetry about me which my Mother discovered hidden in my room and then I think wished she hadn’t.

Then we have the ‘because it was more exciting than being in the relationship I’m in’ ones which covered everything from the cocaine snorting, alcoholic recruitment consultant who almost destroyed my life (I did not indulge in the Class A bit I hasten to add) to the almost getting killed on a speedboat with an drugged up idiot boyfriend who thought I was being ‘overly sensitive’ to our plight (not what the coastguard thought). I have put myself in more bad situations with unsuitable men that I care to think about! But hey, we are all young once, all idiotic at times, we make mistakes and most of us have been ‘in love’ (or so we think) with people who are wildly unsuitable for us (and at times anyone else). But it’s all part of life’s rich pattern and hopefully we learn as we get older.

So that is why I was disappointed in Madam Rainbow. In cat years she must be well into her thirties. You’d think she’d know better!

Cat. Bothered? I think not Dear Reader. I think not.

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I had a funny old year last year. It was a year of very mixed emotions, new relationships, parting of the ways and reacquaintances. This time last year I wrote this which was the result of a reacquaintance. Now, Dear Reader, I haven’t always been entirely transparent with you. For those of you who read this drivel and know me personally, you will know the true identity of TG. For those of you who don’t, you may think that he is a recent acquaintance. Well (drum roll) he is not a recent acquaintance – he is in fact my partner of 15 years and my husband of 8. Confused? Well yes you may be so I shall explain…

TG (The Golfer) and I went our separate ways 5 years ago for reasons that have only really become clear recently. We were apart for 8 months or so and then decided that we had been foolish and got together again. Fast forward 12 months and we found ourselves once more apart after reaching the point of no real return in our relationship. The reason for this no return was that we had never really fixed what was wrong in the first place and neither had we sat down and discussed exactly what it was that needed fixing. We had drifted so far apart within our own lives and our collective life that we just had nothing  in common anymore. Added to the mix was an unhealty and obsessive interest in golf (him), a life that was far too busy to the exclusion of the relationship (me), far too much alcohol (both of us), depression (him, although we didn’t recognise it at the time) and a complete and utter lack of communication. It was a disaster. A complete disaster. Eventually and after many bitter words he moved out to a bachelor flat to have the life that he had convinced himself he wanted – out with mates whenever he wanted, wall to wall golf and no responsibilities whatsoever and I holed up home alone with The Child and threw myself into even more work, theatre and became more manically busy than before (which is my self protection mechanism).

Eventually life calmed down and I was on a far more even keel. I spent a year or thereabouts alone. I sat in at nights and watched crap tv and endless chick flicks and only went out with my good friends whom I trusted that I could be myself with. I had offers from men but I really didn’t feel able to deal with any of them so I turned them all down politely. There was a bet running with a friend that I would meet someone new within six months. That bet was easily won by me as was the double or quits. I had begun to enjoy my own company. I no longer felt the need to be with someone, anyone, just for the sake of it and for the first time in my adult life I was living alone and I was happy with it. My house was tidy and ordered and for the first time in a long time so was my head. And then all of that changed and I reacquainted myself with someone whom I had known in a different life 25 years before when we worked together.

On paper it was perfect. He is an intelligent and kind man who wrote me endless pages upon pages of e mails detailing his life, his thoughts and we spent many more hours on the phone doing the same thing. I told him about me, what makes me tick, who I am and he did the same. We met and got on well and so began a new relationship that was made difficult because of geography and because of his relationship with his ex-wife who was very much still on the scene. We persevered through these difficulties and he put much effort into coming over here and spending time although he has a career that takes him all over the world for many months of the year. He met my friends and they were cautiously friendly.

But, Dear Reader, this is the thing, there was something about it that for me was never quite right. Perhaps it was because I had spent a year alone that I didn’t appreciate having to answer to somebody. I didn’t want to explain to someone who lived in a different country that I didn’t know what time I would be home by, that I didn’t want to be constantly phoned and that if I didn’t pick the phone up that it wasn’t personal, I was just busy. I didn’t feel that I had to account for my movements to someone I hardly knew. What had looked so perfect on paper turned into a suffocating claustrophobic relationship that I had to end. It turned out that he didn’t know what made me tick and that he was more interested in having someone to look after him than anything else. The very last straw was him telling me which of my furniture I would have to get rid of / move when he moved in (moved in ??) because he felt that my house needed quite some reorganisation…..

In the midst of all this I bumped into TG in the supermarket. We had decided to get divorced (although I thought my heart would break as I signed the papers) and that was underway and in 4 weeks time we would have to sign the absolute. He was looking very awkward  and just as I was leaving with my shopping asked if I would have dinner with him – really just for old times sake. I really wasn’t sure that it was a good idea – after all we were 18 months into not being together but I agreed and so we went.

When someone describes a situation as ‘like coming home’ then this was it. We got along brilliantly and talked long after dinner was over about our respective lives over the past year or so, and when it came to go home made another date to go out. And so that’s what we did. Went on dates. Stayed living apart for another 6 months and saw each other when we could and it suited us both and talked and talked about what had gone wrong. We went out with our very relieved and delighted friends, had a wonderful Christmas and New Year and in February of this year we moved back in together – just about 2 years after we had separated.

Before you feel that you have to go and throw up in a bucket – it isn’t perfect and neither are we. We have both said and done some things that we aren’t proud of and we work hard to keep the relationship going. But now we talk to each other – I mean REALLY talk, and that has made all the difference. we try to get over whatever the issue is by talking it out. Don’t get me wrong, there have been steaming rows and some stomping off (mostly by me this time) but we are getting better at it – even after 15 years!

This weekend last year we went to Devon for the weekend to see if we still got on away from the safety of home.

This is us on the Cobb at Lyme Regis on the way home. We had had a really great time of long walks, cold local cider and great food. And most of all we had reconnected, reacquainted and repaired. So it’s been a year since then. We have had our ups and downs but the one thing that we both know is that this is it. Neither of us wants to be with anyone else and we fit together like a pair of comfy old shoes. We have history and we know each other inside out exactly as it should be. I haven’t blogged about us before in any great detail because I just wanted to see how it would go and maybe not tempt fate (and I’m also not sure if anyone is really terribly interested). I just really wanted to let you all know, that sometimes the most obvious things are right under your nose and that the grass isn’t really greener, just different. So that’s it. If you have got to the end of this diatribe, well done and congratulations on your fortitude!

Oh yes. And just in case you wondered, we never did sign the absolute.

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So TG is on his way home – well he will be at some stupid o’clock later on tonight. Very unusually the job that he was on has gone belly up. This is unusual because normally if the job isn’t going to happen, it doesn’t happen before everyone traipses off to the ends of the earth. So that’s a bit of a bummer, but he thinks he might have some more work lined up a bit closer to home in May – so it’s not the end of the world. On a purely selfish level I’m delighted – I hate him being away and despite the fact that I sleep better when he isn’t here AND I have full clicker control AND I don’t have to watch any sport whatsoever, I’m so looking forward to seeing him.

On a different note, TG and I lost a friend to cancer yesterday. He had been ill for sometime and we saw him just before the Mexico trip when he was in hospital as he was, even then, living on borrowed time. TG and I spoke yesterday about him and then whilst I was watching tv last night something struck me. You know when you want something badly – like having a baby for instance, everybody you see seems to be pregnant but you. Well in every programme I am watching (and I do watch some awful crap) everybody seems to be kissing passionately (stay with me on this). Maybe it’s because I am on my own currently and maybe it’s partly because of the news of yesterday, but I sent TG a text telling him that there needs to be more kissing in our relationship. Much more. It’s far too easy to slip into that complacency about each other and to lose that element of intimacy. Far too easy to take each other for granted. I had a reply this morning saying ‘you’re right, we should kiss more’ followed by a hundred xxx. I’m looking forward to it already!

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